The struggle is real

I haven't blogged here in forever! Mostly because the past few years have been a struggle of up and down and doing great and failing and failing more.  I have felt like I have to be perfect or there to be able to blog about 'weight loss' but I find inspiration in people being real with their journeys and I have hidden tooo long behind mine.  I decided to get real and get to it.  I have never told anyone how much I weigh other than one friend but today I took the leap with my new IG account @mommylosesit!  I posted my starting/current/goal weights!  This is huge for me and a turning point.

The struggle is real y'all! For real!  But I wanted to get real and start sharing more along this journey!

This is part of a journal entry I wrote a few weeks ago about where I am and I wanted to share it as a way to step outside of hiding from the truth in hopes that the truth really will set me free!  

January 20th, 2015

 The past 3 years have been filled with starting and failing over and over and over and over again but this time HAS to be different! Here I sit in the middle of a mild cronhs flair, weighing 259 lbs! My highest weight was 272 over the summer and lowest as of late was 247. I am currently wearing a size 20 and 1x sometimes a 2x.  The past 6 months have been up and down, try and fail, go strong, binge and give up.  I am on medication for high blood pressure, acid reflux and 2 other RX’s for cronhs, including a steroid that totally kicks my butt.  

My excuse for so long was I had 3 kids in less than 3 years but my youngest is now 3.5! When I went in to have my youngest I was 275lbs in November of 2011 and got down to 215 by March of 2012 and slowly but it back on.  By June of 2013 I was at 230 by beginning of 2014 I was 250, by July of 2014 I was 272...

I don’t want to be that mom that sits on the couch all day.  I don’t want to be that mom that cant run and play with her kids and when we go to the park just sits on bench watching.  I don’t want to be the mom with overweight kids because they eat like their mommy.  I cant tell you how many times my kids have scarfed whole bags of chips along side of me.  I don’t want to be the wife that only has sex in the dark and changes behind closed doors where he cant see.  I don’t want to be the wife who refuses to take a shower with her husband for fear of him seeing me all fat and blubbery.  Im tired of looking at double and triple chins and I’m beyond tired of my underwear rolling down every time I bend over.  

I AM DONE feeling all of those things! I need to be healthy!  I need to not be sick! My family needs these things even more.  I had a huge scare in May 2014 and got on track for several months and lost 20 lbs but it didn’t last.  Ice cream, pizza, convenience food, chips and French fries all won.   

 Today @revelationwellness posted this…

‘Say No to temptation and yes to the spirit – isn’t it crazy to think that God never lets anything come our way that wont turn out for greater good?  Every temptation serves a purpose!  Every disappointment sows a tear that will certainly reap joy for us, and glory for him, IF you do not give up.  Don’t give yourself over to your frustration in the temptation. That’s the time to preach to your soul.  My God is at work within me. And everything that comes against me must get under my feet at the name of Jesus.  WHAT THE FLESH IS TOO WEAK TO DO, THE SPIRIT COMES AND SAVES!” 

I am ready for change. I need change. This is one of our family christmas pic.. I hate me in it but its another great before pic!

Finding Joy in the messy moments of motherhood!

Weight loss is a huge part of my life and this blog, but lets face it... I have 3 kids ages 2-4 and so my life is more about motherhood than anything else! We have some crazy redonk moments that I love to share because lets face it, we need a laugh now and then and 99% of moms prob relate to what I'm about to share!

Jax is 2.5 and he is not potty trained yet, he sometimes uses the potty and sometimes doesn't!  I get grief all the time because I haven't potty trained him yet, Benjamin and Cloee were potty trained by this age etc.. well he's my baby and he's just not totally there yet and I'm okay with pull ups for now!

Today he had some successes but he also dunked his hair in the toilet after he peed in it, he dipped undies in the pee pee water, he dipped a pull up in pee pee water and carried it all the way down the hall and to the kitchen where I was! Need I go on? ha

Benjamin saying "Jax lets play a game called who can smell my stinky boot the longest" 

Yesterday while attempting to blog he comes in and says MOMMY I POOOPED! I got up to get a new pull up and find the wipes and turned around to hear the 3 words that no mom wants to hear... 

IT TASTES DI'GUSTING!

His finger was covered in poop! I don't know if he actually attempted to eat it or now but ewww sick!  I quickly cleaned him up, washed his hands, got on a new pull up and of course did what I normally do when life gives me these moments... I post it on Facebook!  

Yeah probably over sharing for the FB setting but ....

In case you haven't figured out by now... motherhood is messy! Its beautiful and chaotic and some days a little awful but always beautiful!. 

I choose to find humor in the moments where my kid eats poop or pees on the floor, yet again, or eats a rollie pollie or even the ones where the biggest innocently whacks his siblings on the head with a toy hammer... Real people have those days, you know those kind of days where everything goes wrong, everyone is fighting, the kids are crying for no reason, those days you are praying that you last till bed time...

Benjamin picked out everyones outfits and said its red ninja day!

Motherhood isn't always a beautiful photo-shopped image of perfect children sitting politely and saying yes mam on que but it often is a HUGE pile of laundry taking over your living room or the mountain of dishes piled in the sink, or tripping over toys to get down the hall and pizza and cheetos for dinner, again! While not everyone can appreciate a good poop story, I find joy in 'over sharing' the craziness of this beautiful life that God gave me!

Choose to find joy in the moments that God gives you! The beautiful ones and the ugly ones, the ones where life gives you roses and especially in the ones where your kid has a massive blow out in the middle of a restaurant! Choose not to try to create unneeded drama instead just laugh off the moments you deem as inappropriate and know that in following me or being my 'friend' my disclosure is I am the Queen of Over sharing and I am totally okay with that!

How to lose 10 lbs in 10 minutes!

Truth: 

-I have been on a blogging hiatus for the simple fact that I have felt like a failure - weight loss is hard!

-It is continual falling down and often forgetting to get back up again! 

-It's been trying extreme things with great intentions and passion, going strong for 3 days then going on a huge binge to make up for the 3 days of torture!

-In the past 2 years I have done more gaining than losing! 

-I am tired of being tired, sick, unhealthy and fat! 

At the end of May I had a huge health scare and had some grandiose thoughts of needing change and in turn all I really did was give up soda.  When I went back to the doc in July I had gained 8 lbs! WHAT! What it really comes down to is I don't think I eat that much but the truth of it is the things I was eating were huge in calories!  I gave up soda and in turn took up sweet tea!  When I saw that dreaded number on the scale in July I kinda freaked out!  It was as much as I weighed when I went into the hospital to have Jaxsen!  How is it possible that I weigh as much as I did when I was 9 months preggo with a huge baby?! EEEEEK!  Well I can tell you how - a few healthy eating days followed by pizza, ice cream, chips & fast food!  I'd buy great groceries with great intentions and after a long day of my 3 littles being kinda crazy I didn't 'feel' like cooking so we'd order pizza! Chinese! Taco Bell! 

Feeling defeated, hopeless and utterly depressed by the fact that originally I wanted to lose around 100 lbs and now in reality I needed to lose more like 125!! 

Then I read this quote...

I often let myself get derailed by things I can't control. But when I read this quote something clicked in me... It has nothing to do with anyone else! My journey is mine and it really is about me and keeping promises to myself!  I have this quote everywhere and in my heart and when I am tempted to just go awol again I really just focus on this quote and the fact that I truly can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!

Have I slipped up? YES! In fact I ate a few cheese puffs this morning! But the difference is I ate 3 instead of the entire bag, I didn't try to hide it and keep it a secret, I actually added to my fitness pal (where my diary is open) bensgirl322 if you want to follow along! 

It's been almost 2 weeks of being back at it and there have been a few moments I regret but overall I am staying within my calorie goals and I am moving more every day and I am down 10 lbs!  Right now my goal is to at least walk 2 miles a day and most days I have succeeded! Two miles may not seem like much but when you are HUGE and out of shape 2 miles is a stretch!  I may only be walking 3mph right now but I AM lapping everyone sitting on the couch! There have been many days that I have gotten my miles in by walking laps around my back yard while the kids play! It takes aprox 50 laps to make a mile but I am kinda in the NO EXCUSES point of this journey.  What matters is trying again and again and again and for the first time in a long time keeping promises to myself. 

The journey is long and hard and continual!  It happens 1 day at a time, 1 choice at a time and 1 step in the right direction....

The hardest battle of my life...

I am truly in the midst of the hardest battle of my life and these words are the best way to describe exactly what I am dealing with...

'What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. 

So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. 

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, 

and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, 

I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. 

I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. 

I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. 

Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. 

He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Romans 7: 15-25 MSG

When I read this the other day I was blown away.  I was just telling my friend a few weeks ago that my issue is over and over again the same - I know what I need to do to lose weight and get healthy.  I know what food I should and shouldn't eat, I know how bad for you certain things are, I know what I need to do.. I make awesome plans, I write it out, I make goals and do great for a few days... then wham its exactly as it says here... I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

I have been devising a plan of attack for my health and am just trying to take it one day at a time and trying to not get overwhelmed with the big picture. I am following lots of inspiring people who have done what I have set out to do and after my crazy ride in an ambulance (see last post) I have a new outlook and a fresh perspective realizing that in the midst of the craziness taking time to take care of me is critical! 

The Solution Is Life on God’s Terms
Romans 8 MSG

1-2 With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.3-4 God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn’t deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn’t deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.5-8Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! 

Taking time to meditate on these words and get them deep... He is my solution and answer and helper if I just slow down and let Him be!