Confessions of a cheating addict

The battle to lose weight and be healthy and fit is just that... A battle!  Every day, every bite is a choice!   I don't understand how I can know everything that needs to be done, how I can feel the difference health wise, mood wise and energy wise and how I know when I stick to the plan I can lose weight but still have such a hard time sticking to the plan! I fall into the whole 'Have a Cheat Day' melodrama!  

Mothers day weekend is when my latest downward spiral took off!  It was the 2 week press to the end of my 8 week herbalife challenge!  This is an example of our daily plan:

When you get up herbalife tea

8am herbalife shake

10am High protein snack

12 herbalife tea and shake

2 High Protein Snack

4 beverage mix or other high protein snack

5:30-6:30 grilled chicken and veggies 

I was down to 226! My starting, 8 weeks ago, was 247.7... If I were to stick to the plan and buckle down I could easily win first prize which is almost $600! (this morn I weighed in at 229 which likely means tonights weigh in will be 232 bc I always weigh more in the eve )  Mothers day weekend I fell into the lie of oh its mothers day i deserve a cheat!  But what I have learned over the past 2 week is that 1 cheat day, for me, leads to a cheating cycle spun out of control! Why? Because I'm pretty much an addict to cheating and bad food.  Sweets arent even my problem, though if presented with a bag of cookies Id certainly devour it,  its chips and tater tots, french fries.. pretty much anything potato!  Because of health reasons I have been told absolutely no fried foods by my doctor, yet I somehow find myself sick and in pain at the bottom of a super size french fry!

My father is a life time alcoholic.  Its been a constant battle cycle of him almost dying, doing great and being sober for a lil bit then falling off the wagon over and over and over for the past few years.  Addiction is in my genes.  Food works the same way for me as alcohol for some.  If you stay away you are doing great but once you fall into the lie that 1 drink or 1 meal wont hurt, you find yourself a few days later to deep to get out and full of regret.  Regret and disappointment that work against you!  They are so strong and connected to the emotions that you just end up thinking you are hopeless and ending up doing worse.

I hit rock bottom on Thursday night when my husband was out of town.  The kids were being redonk and of course there wasnt anything bad to eat in the house.  On Mothers day my step mom brought over a huge box of delicious packaged brownies but before the hubs left town he was nice enough to throw them away for me.  However Thursday night I was stressed to the max and in tears and just needed some chocolate or something to offer comfort and a few moments of peaceful delight.  (I cant believe I am about to admit this is writing but lets just be real)  I snuck outside and opened the trash can and got myself a package of brownies.... They were in a package so they were sealed and they were on the top, i needed them, it was a bad day.. I had a million justifications!  About 3/4 of the way through the double brownie package I was full of regret and sad and angry and just continued right through Friday   Mcdonalds for breakfast & Brisket and Fried Okra for Lunch and Arbys for dinner!  UGH  I know better than this, I know how sick I get when I eat stupid stuff, I know how much weight I can lose when I stick to the plan yet why do i continue to sabotage myself?!

I often ask myself why my dad just cant quit alcohol for good?  Its simple.. Drink and die or stop and live?  But addiction is so much stronger that just making a choice to change its a battle... A battle I dont fully understand...

I took the Dr Oz Food Addict Quiz   let me tell ya.. (the link has a short video and a more detailed quiz) 

yes I spend a lot of time thinking about food, even when Im not hungry

yes I get more pleasure from food than from anything else

Yes I always eat more than planned 

yes I hide food or at least hide the evidence of the fact that I ate a certain food

yes my relationship with food interferes with  my life

Ugh most of my eating is in relation to stress and emotion.. I often justify a diet soda (which i know is bad) and an order of tater tots because I have had a stressful day or because Im sad or whatever...I saw this and thought it was a great reminder...

I also know that when I exercise I feel so much better, seriously better! When I sit around and snack or eat whatever I feel awful, I feel tired and I feel like a failure.

The challenge ends today and I have to decide what the next step is... do I keep doing 2 shakes a day and high protein? Overall the plan is great.. I did lose 20 lbs but 20 lbs in 8 weeks isnt anywhere near my goal nor anywhere near what I know I am capable of!  I have tired so many things over the years and heres what I know.. When I was my sickest and had to be the strictest for the sake of my health I was on a strict No Dairy of any kind & No Refined Sugars kind of thing. . Mostly I had only fruits and veggies and meat... my life changed dramatically.  It wasnt about carbs it was just about eating clean and healthy.  I could have any veggie or fruit I wanted because it was clean.  Where I am at now I feel restricted on the things that I know are high in carb but still good foods, like most fruits and even a lot of veggies...  I love Herbalife Shakes but they do have dairy in them, they are expensive but they work and they are crazy yummy! However 10 weeks ago I was in the hospital for a cronhs flair and 8 weeks ago was having horrible symptoms and was facing the possibility of month IV infusions of a very nasty drug I want nothing to do with and since doing Herbalife I havent had hardly any symptoms and have been doing great and no longer have to take my meds!  

Whatever I decide to do I know it will continue to be a daily struggle but this is very true...

I am willing to struggle for my health and do what I can to lose the weight and feel good and be fit and healthy.  I will have ups and downs but each day is a choice and a decision to fight and keep going!  
Im also linking up with Raising Reagan in the Slim By Summer Challenge! Love this group of girls even though I have sucked and havnt kept up as much as I should have!