What have I become?

It's 515pm I'm sitting on the back porch watching my kids play. As I sit here I am fighting back tears (prob just pms but still)
My husband will be home late today which should be good it gives me extra time to get things acceptable, but not today...
The laundry is beyond overflowing! As a matter of fact I can't even begin to tell you the last time it was even close to caught up! I've had on the same clothes for over 24 hours, my last shower was 2 days ago, the dishwasher is loaded bit there are still dirty dishes everywhere!
The laundry that was neatly gathered into a basket has been throwing across the living room floor In every direction! There are Cheerios from this morning, perhaps yesterday morn, scattered in a dozen random places! I organized the toys last week and put away in different bins... They found them, climbed, conquered and destroyed!

It's starting to get chilly out... My kids refuse to wear shoes... Benjamin refuses to wear pants! They are happily playing. Yet they won't play outside unless I'm sitting outside too...
My kids one by one stop playing and come give me a hug and a kiss or a flower! Jax usually eats the flower before getting it to me.
I love my sweet babies! Who would have known 3 toddlers could be so sweet and so full of love and so out of control at the same time.

More often then not i feel like a failure, I let them watch toooo much tv, we have no order, they often eat in the living room...
The only way I can get them to even partially help clean is to bribe them..
Some days I feel like all I do is yell...
I hate yelling! Who have I become?

I'm terribly overweight and most days my poor husband comes home to the epitome of what I loathe... A messy, still in pjs, no make up, skanky breath, did I say still in my pjs? overweight wife who whines about how tough the day was, doesn't have dinner ready, and ps honey you have no clean underwear and I just stepped on another lego so I'm just gonna nag you all night kind of wife... really? Who have I become?

Ugh... I generally don't blog such whiny depressing things but some days I just feel alone as I wonder if other moms go through the same things... Do other moms let their kids watch lots of tv? Do other moms have to constantly step over toys? Do other moms have to rewash the a same load of clothes 3x bc They keep forgetting to put them in the dryer? Do other moms have days where they just wanna cry and hide in the bathroom? Do other moms yell at their kids and then feel like horrible moms for the rest of the day?

Jax will be 18 months next week and he still wakes up all trough the night! He slept through the night all night for a week straight but a week was all it lasted! Last week I spent an entire day countless hours cleaning from top to bottom and an hour later you couldn't even tell...

I just went in to check on Benjamin, who went in to potty, and a whole roll of TP was in the potty (3rd one this week) Along with his poop and a pair of tweezers! Did I mention the poop smeared on the wall? Ugh why! It's laughable and aggravating at the same time!

Some days I feel like we should be being filmed for an episode of the super nanny! Like how can things really be this out of control? What's the answer?
Check lists? Daily schedules? Posted rules? Or is this just the way it's always gonna be? I often feel like the days have no purpose.  We are just going through the motions doing what we do, living from day to day with no goals, no ambitions.  We need to incorporate activities and learning and stuff but it generally turns into a toddler free for all and nothing gets accomplished.  Id pay to be able to be a fly on the wall in other homes to see how things go.

To top it off there are days where Cronhs disease kicks my ace... Most days are fine but some days I just don't feel good and just wanna be in bed! Not really great when you have 3 toddlers to take care of... My husband is so gracious and such a help I just want things to be better for him!

I want him to come home to a clean house a clean wife an happy kids! Is that so much to ask for?!  I love my sweet babies and I know a clean house isnt whats important in life. But an ultra messy house is just stressful.  Where is the balance?  Really, Who have I become?

I heard this song today and thought it was fitting.. It sounds like life to me...  it is what it is