Thursday, May 22, 2014

My Ambulance Ride... More than a wake up call

While at church last weekend I was in the bathroom and snapped a few quick selfies in the full length mirror and sent them to myself in an email entitled 'Wake Up Call', then quickly deleted the pics from my phone. They were scary to say the least... I am generally addicted to stepping on the scale daily but haven't for weeks because I am literally scared of what it may say.

Weight loss is crazy cycle and for me the past 2.5 years have just been up and down and up and down and currently up up up...  My hubs is just finishing up a military training school that kept him away for 2 whole months. We live almost 3 hours from anyone we know and the past 2 months have been insane.  I'm always mom 24/7 but being mom 24/7 with no help and no breaks is beyond draining.  

This week the kids and I have been in the city with family so I could help a friend out at her work.. I had 2 beautiful, quiet relaxing days of sitting in a massage spa manning the front desk.  Kinda like a mini vaca away from the kiddos as they had fun with Mimi and Papa I just enjoyed the quiet and not being tugged on for 2 full days!  Don't get me wrong my the middle of the 2nd day I was seriously missing my kids and so very thankful that I get to stay home with them daily.

Heres my view for my 2 working vaca days.. 

Now on to my ambulance ride...

At the end of my 2nd work day I got to my moms around 6pm and was having really weird left arm pain that over the next hour progressed to the point of such bad pain I was in tears!  I took ibuprofen and a hot bath and it didn't help!  I started having chills and then when I was talking to a friend on the phone all the sudden I couldn't breathe!  I was freezing, nauseous, tingly and couldn't breathe for anything!  My dad called 911 and my mom swooped the kids off for an adventure so they weren't scared! I laid on the couch shivering and couldn't catch a breath for anything and I could hear the ambulance in the distance and it seemed to be taking forever!  I remember praying Jesus don't let me die, please please please don't let me die!  I was sure I was having a heart attack...

Flash back to my hot bath... I was texting a friend about this random horrible left arm pain and telling her how mad I was! Mad that I am so overweight and out of shape that I have to worry that at 34 I am having a stinking heart attack!  

Surrounded by at least 5 EMT's who kept telling me to just calm down and breathe was more frustrating than anything.. I literally didn't feel like I could catch my breath for anything.  My blood pressure was 170/105 my pulse was in the 140s and my breaths per minute was crazy high but my oxygen was at 99%.  They wheeled me out telling me to breathe deep and I just couldn't finally after what seemed like an eternity I was able to start to take deep breaths in through the nose out through the mouth... over and over they kept saying this... They told me I was having a panic attack.  I have never had a panic attack EVER!  They were asking what was stressing me was I anxious etc... and I kept saying I just had the easiest day of my life! 

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me take a deep breath in, hold it exhale... I would have enough money to pay for that ambulance ride!  

By the time we got to the hospital I was breathing okay, my pain had subsided as had most of the other symptoms except I was nauseous and shivering! My dad apparently had a nice talk with the EMT about how 'stressed' I am.. his view is Im a mom to a 4,3 & 2 year old who is 3 hours away  from family and from my hubs!  The doc said that though it is normal to me and in the midst of toddler chaos would be when you'd normally think I'd be panicking, I really don't have time to while in the midst of my normal chaos and the down time brought it on.  While waiting for the EKG results I had another mini panic attack and they ended up bringing me something to help calm me.  Ekg was clear, thank God, and they released me with a RX for some pills to have on hand in case I had another attack or felt one coming on and had to leave in booties because I had no shoes!  Oh yea and I also had no bra and jammies on and had mascara smeared all over my face and I'm quite sure the EKG guy had way to much boob views for my comfort!

Today I have been okay but just beyond tired.  Likely I got freaked out about the possibility of a heart attack that I just went into a full blown panic attack.  It was absolutely the scariest thing. Will be going to the doc for some more answers on the arm pain but all of this is just a serious wake up call! Much more than any picture could do!  

I havn't blogged in forever because I literally feel like I have nothing to say.  Every mom is tired, every mom goes through crazy days with her babies, my weight loss strategies have been shot to crap with my hubs gone and I really needed this shaking to say wake up and stop being stupid and take care of me!  I spend so much time taking care of everyone else I am on the back burner! But I am done with feeling this way!  I am done with being so uncomfortable about this weight gain that I hide from every thing and every one!  I am done with the feeling of needing to hide from every picture because I am absolutely ashamed of what I have become.  I am done squishing into chairs and I am done with a million other horrible side effects of being overweight! 

I feel like the past 2 months I have done great getting reacquainted with Jesus and quiet time and making time to feed my spirit and now its time to truly focus and use the tools and wisdom I already have and change my life this time! I have found some great online Community through Instagram, Hello Mornings and Thrive Moms and now that I have had a serious scare its time to take my whole life to a new level of determination.

You can find me on Instagram ALL THE TIME and I promise to start trying to blog much more consistently through my journey!  Its real, its raw and its gonna happen!