Just in case you dont know my background... In 2008 I got serious and lost 70+ lbs! By November 08 I was down to 175 when Ben and I started dating. I felt great I was wearing size 10 and felt healthy, full of energy, confident and sexy! By April 1st 09 I was about 2 mo or so pregnant and was up to 205 then then my hubs left for basic and ait would be gone for 9 months leaving me alone, pregnant, scared, depressed and on a bad routine of eating fast food every single day! Always lunch, some times breakfast and lunch! By the time I had Benjamin (who only weighed 5.5 lbs I had gained a huge 65 lbs! By march 2010 I was down to 240 and I found out I was pregnant with cloee! Luckily I only gained 30 and lost it soon after and in march 2011 I was back town to 240 then I found out I was pregnant with jax and the cycle started over!
In December 2011 I got 'serious' and lost about 40 lbs by march 2012! I felt good and on a good system down to 215 and ready to keep trucking and get back down to 160 which was my ultimate goal!
At the end of march 2012 my hubs returned from a 13 month long deployment and the cooking, deserts, eating out started... The working out stopped and now the past few months have been awful! I gained 15 lbs back !
Ugh! So here I sit, January of 2013 back to 70 lbs from my ultimate goal...
Is 70 lbs doable? Yes I've done it before but at this point weakness always wins out!
We started the Daniel fast and made it an actual week and at the end of the week I had a work party that involved Mexican food. Before the fast we decided we would break fast that day and go right back on..: however going back on was not as easy as I had planned! Ugh the past 2 weeks have been awful!
When I eat right and am disciplined I feel great, I have energy and I feel accomplished... When I have an epic fail gorge day I feel depressed, fat, unworthy and nasty!
I started the 21 day made to crave devotional and it's amazing but I soon was overcome with the guilt of Taco Bell, McDonald's, ice cream and diet dr pepper that I fell behind!
Why is this battle so hard? It's an addiction! And it's much like any addiction I suppose! This past week my dad was in the hospital dealing with alcoholic related problems... The choice seems so simple... Quit drinking and live or keep drinking and die of heart or liver failure... But addiction is so much stronger and bigger than the answer that's right in front of you!
Pleasure for the moment is innate in our weak fleshly world.
When I'm stressed I often turn to a snack or a soda or some Starbucks instead of turning to prayer and meditating on Gods word.
It's a vicious cycle and I want out!
When I eat healthy I'm productive and have energy! I'm in a good mood and life is good... When I fail I feel miserable so why is it so easy to fail over and over a d over?
For years I have kept my weight from my husband! Lord knows I do not want him to know how much I weigh but then I think, I know he's gained weight too and maybe if he knew how much I weighed he would understand we need to be serious and quit going on ice cream runs, chip runs etc! He's a sweet husband and when I say mmm I want some French fries he jumps up and gets me some but that's just no help at all!
We tried working out together but with 3 kids under 3 it really isn't very easy to work out at all unless you want to do it in the middle of the night and dude I need sleep! Lol
Anyways the truth of it is here I sit back at 231 lbs! What the crap!!! Ugh
It's not totally about weight, though this weight is awful and no where near where I should be or want to be its about health! I'm unhealthy in person and in spirit! Once again my want for food wins out over my need for God! I lack discipline and seem to have the inability at this point to finish what I start!
I have no accountability and I simply can't do it on my own!
I meal plan and never stick to it! I look at my tummy as it rests happily on my lap and I want to barf! Nothing fits, everything's tight and though I know my husband loves me no matter what I hate knowing what I can be and presenting him with the worst of me!
I don't even know where to begin! The problem is I always start big and end up failing instead of easing into things!
When I lost 70 lbs before I ate very healthy... I didn't eat sugars, pastas, breads, dairy etc
I pretty much had meat, veggies and fruit! I want to be back to that because I felt great! I had energy and I felt healthy!
Today I started back on my fitness pal!
Bensgirl322 is me if you want to follow and kick my butt a little!
There's my honest what's what!